DEALING WITH OUTGROWING PEOPLE

A few weeks ago, I accepted an invitation to hang out with a childhood friend who came into town.

This friend and I have known each other for more than 10 years and naturally, I looked forward to catching up on old times and also finding out what was going on in her life.

Midway into our meeting, the conversation became tilted and somewhat forced.  It became glaringly obvious that my friend and I no longer resonated with each other.

We, or should I say, I have evolved quite a bit in the past years. Carrying on with the conversation became a huge struggle. This was because after we were done reminiscing about our 10 year old history; we had nothing to keep the conversational juices flowing.

Whereas I was interested in finding out what my friend’s goals and aspirations for the future were, she was more interested in talking about who was married and who was still single. No matter how hard I tried to move the conversation away from ‘who was doing who’, she somehow managed to get right back to it. At some point, it became a subtle personal attack on my penchant for secrecy with regards to the men in my life.  In fact, my friend thought I had serious issues bothering almost on the spiritual, because she couldn’t get why I hadn’t caught the ‘almost 30 and still single desperation bug’. As our meeting ended that day, I knew that my friend and I had grown apart. We were not the same people we were 10 years ago.

Growing up is part of life. Sometimes, we wish things and people will stay the same. We want to remain BFFs with our JSS 1 seat mate. We want our first love to remain the only true love we will ever have. In an ideal world, this may be feasible. But the world in which we live is anything but perfect.

In my journey through life, I have come to realize that relationships may not always grow in the same direction. This is perhaps one of the commonest, yet surprising aspects of personal growth and development.

It was popular Nigerian musician Tuface who said, ‘we are all gifted and unique in our different ways’. Each of us is on a unique path in life. This path is filled changing experiences, perceptions, interests and needs. While we bond with others out of shared interests, desires or even through no choice of ours, what brought us together sometimes may not be enough to sustain our relationship in the long run.

As you grow older, your values and outlook to life change. If you are into personal growth, at some point in your life, you will outgrow some or all of your friends.

Accepting this reality is often the hardest hurdle to jump. How do you deal with the reality that you have grown apart from that friend you used to gist with all night?  The truth is, we outgrow people, and the sooner we accept this, the better.  I had to accept it when it became clear that I had outgrown some friends in my cycle. Sometimes you just outgrow certain people. It is not pride. C’est la vie. It is just what it is. Just accept it and move on. 

Now, cutting out people who have practically been there all our lives can produce feelings of guilt. And of course, we often cannot tell them why we can’t be friends anymore because we don’t want to hurt them. Talk about relationship quagmire.

What then should we do when we discover we are outgrowing our friends? How do we deal with outgrowing people?

1) Understand the power and purpose of relationships: The first step is to realize what your goals and aspirations for life are and to consciously surround yourself with those who enhance those goals. As my mentor, Pastor Anya Oko says, ‘friendship is about productivity, not convenience’. If purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable. Relationships are supposed to facilitate your life’s purpose. You need to constantly interrogate what role(s) the people in your life are playing. You need mutually beneficial relationships where all parties concerned can rely on each other for protection, comfort and growth. If at any point in time in your relationship and friendship journey, this is lacking, you need to take time out and reevaluate that friendship or relationship.

What this means is to prune out of your life, those who are not on the same wavelength with you.  It’s not that you are better than your friends; it’s just that you are moving in different directions, at different speed.

Who you spend time with influences the person you eventually become.  It is very important to realize that there are no middle grounds in life. If your friends are not helping you grow, they are harming you. It’s that simple. If your friendship is bringing more stress on you than happiness, again, it is time to reevaluate. So, cut those non-essential figures out of your life and move forward.

2) Don’t apologize for your values:   I once had a friend who had serious issues with the fact that I don’t take alcohol. Anytime we hung out in groups and I ordered a bottle of soda, she would get furious and make underhanded comments that were not in any way friendly. In the beginning, I would apologize and ask her to understand why I didn’t like alcohol. If my apologies failed, I would simply pretend ‘not to want anything’. Another friend had the habit of shooting down any dream or idea I had. No matter what it was, he would find 101 reasons the ideas wouldn’t work. And yet another friend always mocked my Christian values. He would attack everything I held sacred and dear. Oh, he was a clever one. He wouldn’t come right out and condemn those beliefs. He would just say stuff like, ‘your beliefs don’t make you a good person you know, I’m just saying’. Unconsciously, I began to suspect my entire belief system. After a while, I realized those relationships were toxic and I made the difficult but necessary decision to move on.

It is risky to have friends who don’t have similar values with you. Two cannot walk together except they agree. Such friends end up discouraging you from reaching for your goals and encouraging you to remain at the level you have always been. 

If you find yourself apologizing for having dreams or values, or even downplaying the good that happens in your life ‘just to keep the peace’, then maybe, you need new friends. Let your friends know that you value personal growth and development, and if they can’t get it, sharing grace in fellowship might be the next logical cause of action.

3) Be honest about the situation: Remember my friends from number 2 above? I had to politely but honestly let the pessimist know that negative attitude to life was wrecking havoc on our friendship. I also reduced communication with the other two and the relationship slowly fizzled out.

Listen, it’s not healthy to pretend that it is okay for your friends to pressure you to do things you would rather not do. If you are not comfortable with aspects of your relationship with people, speak up! Let your friends know that you would rather study than party. Let your friend from kindergarten know that you have grown up and engaging in petty chats and backbites is not how you spend your free time. Let them know that your values are sacred to you and you will stop being friends if they don’t respect them. Let that friend know that you don’t appreciate his dirty talks and the constant demand for nude pics. If pre-marital sex is not your thing, don’t hang around friends who pressure you into sleeping around just so you can be one of the cool gang. If your friends always knock off the good that happens in your life, or refuse to appreciate your goals, why are your friends with them anyway?

Friendship is by choice not force. It’s your life, not theirs. No one should have the driver’s seat in your life. Speak up when the hedge around your life is being trampled on by ‘friends’. If you don’t ‘fess up, you will find that you are stuck in contagious relationships that hold you back.

Letting go of some friends in your life can be a risky business but taking risks also yields tremendous rewards. The truth which we have already stated above is that, as you grow and improve on yourself, you will continue to outgrow people. When this happens, don’t feel guilty about desiring wholesome relationships that enhance your life’s purpose. After all, everything we do in life should be about purpose and nothing else.

Have you ever had to cut some friends from your life? How did you do it? How has your life changed since you made that decision? I look forward to hearing from you in the comment section.

XoXo

NAWTIprof

Picture Credit: redunwritten.com