SINGLE BY CHOICE

‘Oya spill it babe. Who is the lucky guy?’

‘Lucky guy ke. Actually, I’m not dating’.

‘Huh? Not dating? What happened? Who broke your heart?’

‘Broke my heart? No one did. I just don’t want to date right now’.

‘Don’t want to date right now? You are not getting younger o. You have been saying this for the past 5 years. I wonder what you are waiting for. You are a graduate. You are working. You are a fine babe. You should start considering marriage o. Time waits for no one. Or, are you a lesbian?’

‘Lesbian? How could you even think that?’

‘How can’t I? When a beautiful girl of marriageable age says she doesn’t want to date right now, one has to ask questions. It’s either your taste and standard in men are too high, or you are a lesbian or you are sleeping around with men without commitment. Which is it?’

‘So someone can’t just be single without being a lesbian, whore or some greedy fellow with unrealistic standards. Must everyone marry? I’m not ready to date right now. I’m still at the point where I am figuring myself out. I don’t want to complicate anyone’s life joor. Being single now is a choice I made. I repeat, no one broke my heart and I am not a lesbian.’

‘It’s not normal. There is no one on earth who is single by choice. Single by choice ko, married without choice ni. Let me hear word jare….Nne, get serious o. Stop joking around. Pick one of these guys showing interest in you and settle down. You are not a baby anymore….’

The above is often an excerpt of conversations most people who choose to be single have to endure. It’s almost like a clasp on the wrist or a slap on the face. You can’t just be single. How can? Who will give your parents grand children? If your parents had chosen the single life would you even exist? Every girl desires to be married. Even when she acts ‘tough’ and says she doesn’t want to date, she is only lying. That act is a façade for the marital stirrings she feels in her heart.

No. As a young girl, you can’t just be single in Nigeria. There must be something you are not telling the rest of the world. Maybe you suffered a devastating heart break that marred you for life. Or you abhor commitment. Or you like the fun that comes from random sampling. Or as a worst case scenario, you are lesbian.

Sometimes, you cannot blame those who harbor such notions about ladies who are single. Dating and eventually getting married and having kids have been wired into every woman’s DNA even before she was born. It’s like her whole calling in life. She was born and planted in her parents’ garden, awaiting her day of plucking by ‘the lucky man’.

When a woman reaches a certain age, she is expected to look through her array of suitors, make a choice and settle down with him to build her own family.  Often times, the choice of who a woman marries is even made before she is born. It’s like society prepares this to-do list for the women: go to school, graduate, marry, have kids….often in that order.  If a woman gets to the age of marriage (especially one who has graduated from the university and has a career) and isn’t married, people become worried and boy, talk about pressure. From her immediate family, to her circle of friends, her church and the society at large. Everyone literarily takes this personally and society demands an answer. Everyone wants to know what she is waiting for.

 Now, while it’s arguable that meeting that perfect Mr. Right and walking down the aisle is every woman’s dream, there are some women who couldn’t care less what happened in the aisle. These women are single and loving it.

These categories of women are single, not because there aren’t interested young men seeking to settle down with them but because they choose to be single. These women who choose to remain single are seen as completely weird. Somehow, society refuses to believe that they are single because they really do not want to be married. They assume that the women have skeletons in their cupboards that have prevented them from being married. These skeletons may include some terrible character traits, some unrealistic expectations of who they must marry, greed, etc.

Below are some of the reasons a girl may be single by choice:

    1)  She really doesn’t want to get involved in a relationship: Again, people find this hard to believe. They can’t imagine that a woman is really single, not a lesbian and definitely not sleeping around. Is she not human? Abi, her own body na firewood? Truth is I have met a couple of women who don’t want to get hooked up.  At some point in my life, I just didn’t want to date anyone. I was very happy being single. Nothing was missing in my life. I was single, saturated and satisfied. I was happy that I could pursue my goals and aspirations. I never felt lonely. In fact, contrary to popular opinion, being single doesn’t mean the same as loneliness nor does it evoke a constant sense feeling of dissatisfaction. People who choose to be single don’t look at Bella Naija weddings and yearn for their own soul mate. For some people, satisfaction and happiness are rooted in the wholesome lives they have built for themselves, their family, their visions, hobbies, career, etc.

    2) She is getting to know herself:  It was Socrates who said, ‘man know thyself’. I find it strange that people who are still in the process of figuring themselves out allow themselves to be pressured into getting entangled in relationships just so they can be out of the ‘single hood’. If you don’t know yourself, how can you know who is suited for you? As we grow through life, our choices, tastes and wants change. That is why it is possible to be crazy about that fair boy with the blue eyes and long lashes in Primary school and switch to the chocolate combo brother in university. Growth is constant. Our experiences impact on the outcomes of our lives. Hence, it is critical for us to spend time getting to know ourselves. Wouldn’t you rather spend time getting to know and love you? If you don’t know and love yourself, how can you love another? And the good part is, by taking time to know yourself; you can save yourself some avoidable heart breaks.

     3) She doesn’t want to settle: Settling is a word most of us don’t want to use, particularly in our relationships. But let’s face it; the pressure to settle is too real. People who choose to be single are seen as being ‘too picky’, ‘having unrealistic standards’ and are advised to lower their standards before their biological clocks tick by. And then you wonder why getting married has become a do or die affair in our time. You don’t have to settle in life. This is not to ignore the Mr and Miss Perfectionists in our midst that reject potentially amazing people for superficial reasons such as, ‘he is not macho enough’ or ‘she doesn’t possess Kim Kardashian butts’.

   

    Let me state at this point that settling is not the same as reaching a compromise. Life is a series of alternatives forgone. At some points in life, one has to make a choice out of several options. Relationships are not exempt from this. No human being embodies everything we desire in a partner. Some things simply have to give. This is where having realistic expectations and making the right choices come in. However, one of the greatest risks in relationships is to compromise on value system. Many times we meet individuals whose values are directly opposite to ours. Do we now have to marry them because we are not getting younger? If there is spiritual, religious, social incompatibility or incompatibility in other areas that can hamper a relationship, why insist on ‘dying there’? It takes great courage to know what your values are and to stick to them regardless of what society thinks.

Choosing to be single isn’t a curse or a life sentence. You are not going to hell for being single. Choosing to be single is not a lie or something single people say to console themselves. Don’t let society put you under enormous pressure to get into what you will regret in future. Being in a relationship or getting married is beautiful. But it should be something you do on your own terms and in line with your life’s purpose and not because a group of people are counting down for you.

XoXo

NawtiProf

 Photo Credit: www.kleo.ru