DEAR ANDY
What do you do when the person you love the most and want more than anything else in the world doesn't love you back?
This was the first message I saw on my phone last Thursday. It came from one of my young mentees, Andy.
*Andy had been so excited about the new girl he met. Each time I spoke with him, he always found a way to bring her up.
“You said that just the way *Sarah would. Did I tell you that I proofread a research paper she did on Social Media marketing? It was really good”.
“Sarah said I should consider Canada for my Masters. It makes sense. What do you think”?
His face always had an animated look each time he talked about Sarah, and it was quite a lot. I sometimes wished I could capture the way he beamed and shone, the way his eyes sparkled and his words jumped out like a gushing stream as he talked about her. I know he tried so hard to hide the way Sarah made him feel but he failed successfully at it. I’d never seen that before. I was more accustomed to having girls gush to me about their crushes and new relationships. Seeing this male perspective of a budding love affair was rather refreshing.
Andy had a lot of things he wanted to do for and with Sarah. He had said he would run some ideas past me. I looked forward to hearing them and making suggestions where necessary.
That was until I got his message.
In the words of Chris de Burgh, this is a classical dilemma- wanting or loving someone who doesn’t want you back. Unrequited love is one of the most painful experiences. Ever.
It hurts like hell.
Rejection hurts. A lot.
To love someone with all your heart, to have that person occupy the deepest part of your heart, to tell everyone about this special someone who rocks your world and makes everything in it right, and to have that someone look you in the eye and deliver a fatal emotional blow with the words: “look, I don’t see you like that. I like you but I see you as just a friend.” is very devastating.
So, here I am, writing this letter to Andy. I hope that my letter can attempt to answer the question of what to do when the object of your love doesn’t feel the same way.
Dear Andy,
If I could, I would take away the pain of falling in love with someone who doesn’t want you. But I can’t. I am, however, going to be very honest with you. I hope that my short letter helps you deal with the pain you feel right now.
Let me start by saying that I am not an expert in matters of the heart. I don’t even know what it feels like to love someone who doesn’t love you back. But I know the pain of rejection. I know the pain of thinking you have something in your hands and watching that thing slip away. I know the pain of loss. And I know that the best way to deal with pain of any kind is to acknowledge it. You can’t deal with what you do not acknowledge. Don’t shut this out.
You once told me that you drink to deal with ‘stuff’. That won’t work here. The problem with resorting to alcohol to numb pain is that it is a temporary fix. It makes you forget for the moment. After the head banging hang-over, you still have the pain starring you in the face. Take care of yourself and take it one day at a time. Some days will be better than others. Some other days will have you wanting to burrow into your bed covers and not see or talk to anyone. It’s all part of the process.
And hey, it’s okay to cry. You know that bullshit about real men not crying? It’s just what it is- bullshit. Crying is a way of dealing with pain.
You need to get busy. Crying is okay but after you have cried, you need to figure out what next to do with your life. A good place to start is to fall in love with yourself and reconnect with the fun loving Andy that I know. This isn’t the time to be by yourself. Go out. Hang out with friends. Take on some new activities. You told me you would love to volunteer at the local school near you. This will be a good time to start. When we bring succor and healing to others, healing comes to us too.
And Andy dear, you have to move on. When I spoke to you on the phone, you told me you were going to beg her to reconsider. You sounded like you thought she was playing hard to get. You said if you were more loving, she would buy into the idea of a relationship with you.
If I know anything about relationships, it is that the best kinds are organic. Things flow naturally in organic relationships. There is no need to force things or expend unnecessary energy. The beauty of love is in reciprocity. Why do you want to hang on to someone who doesn’t place as much premium on you as you do her? One thing I have learned about life is that when people show you who they are, it is wisdom to believe them.
Even before Sarah told you she wanted to be just friends, you were the one doing all the work to get things going. What sort of relationship would you have had? She never called unless you did. You went out of your way to get her a birthday gift and all you got was an ‘HBD’ on Facebook. She couldn’t even be bothered to write it out in full. Come on Andy!
It may not have mattered to you, but eventually, it would have. You are an amazing guy and you deserve a girl who will not only love you but who will love loving you. Accept that this relationship with Sarah isn’t going to be and move on with your beautiful life.
Finally, you told me you never want to feel this way again and you were ‘done’ with love. Remember the story you shared with me about falling off your bike the first time you tried to ride at 13? Who is the cycling pro now? To become the good rider that you are now, you had to get back on the bike. That’s what you need to do in this case.
I know it is hard to believe this right now but you are going to find someone who will accept and reciprocate the love you have to give. Open yourself up to the idea of loving again. Love is a beautiful thing. It is God’s idea. The fears you have right now are absolutely normal but don’t let them keep you down. Let them propel you to continue to prepare yourself for that special girl who will be totally deserving of you. And when you do find her, make your intentions known to her from the very start. Don’t assume things. Assumption is the lowest level of knowledge.
I have no doubt that you will be fine Andy. Never forget that I am here anytime you want to talk.
Take care.
This was the first message I saw on my phone last Thursday. It came from one of my young mentees, Andy.
*Andy had been so excited about the new girl he met. Each time I spoke with him, he always found a way to bring her up.
“You said that just the way *Sarah would. Did I tell you that I proofread a research paper she did on Social Media marketing? It was really good”.
“Sarah said I should consider Canada for my Masters. It makes sense. What do you think”?
His face always had an animated look each time he talked about Sarah, and it was quite a lot. I sometimes wished I could capture the way he beamed and shone, the way his eyes sparkled and his words jumped out like a gushing stream as he talked about her. I know he tried so hard to hide the way Sarah made him feel but he failed successfully at it. I’d never seen that before. I was more accustomed to having girls gush to me about their crushes and new relationships. Seeing this male perspective of a budding love affair was rather refreshing.
Andy had a lot of things he wanted to do for and with Sarah. He had said he would run some ideas past me. I looked forward to hearing them and making suggestions where necessary.
That was until I got his message.
In the words of Chris de Burgh, this is a classical dilemma- wanting or loving someone who doesn’t want you back. Unrequited love is one of the most painful experiences. Ever.
It hurts like hell.
Rejection hurts. A lot.
To love someone with all your heart, to have that person occupy the deepest part of your heart, to tell everyone about this special someone who rocks your world and makes everything in it right, and to have that someone look you in the eye and deliver a fatal emotional blow with the words: “look, I don’t see you like that. I like you but I see you as just a friend.” is very devastating.
So, here I am, writing this letter to Andy. I hope that my letter can attempt to answer the question of what to do when the object of your love doesn’t feel the same way.
Dear Andy,
If I could, I would take away the pain of falling in love with someone who doesn’t want you. But I can’t. I am, however, going to be very honest with you. I hope that my short letter helps you deal with the pain you feel right now.
Let me start by saying that I am not an expert in matters of the heart. I don’t even know what it feels like to love someone who doesn’t love you back. But I know the pain of rejection. I know the pain of thinking you have something in your hands and watching that thing slip away. I know the pain of loss. And I know that the best way to deal with pain of any kind is to acknowledge it. You can’t deal with what you do not acknowledge. Don’t shut this out.
You once told me that you drink to deal with ‘stuff’. That won’t work here. The problem with resorting to alcohol to numb pain is that it is a temporary fix. It makes you forget for the moment. After the head banging hang-over, you still have the pain starring you in the face. Take care of yourself and take it one day at a time. Some days will be better than others. Some other days will have you wanting to burrow into your bed covers and not see or talk to anyone. It’s all part of the process.
And hey, it’s okay to cry. You know that bullshit about real men not crying? It’s just what it is- bullshit. Crying is a way of dealing with pain.
You need to get busy. Crying is okay but after you have cried, you need to figure out what next to do with your life. A good place to start is to fall in love with yourself and reconnect with the fun loving Andy that I know. This isn’t the time to be by yourself. Go out. Hang out with friends. Take on some new activities. You told me you would love to volunteer at the local school near you. This will be a good time to start. When we bring succor and healing to others, healing comes to us too.
And Andy dear, you have to move on. When I spoke to you on the phone, you told me you were going to beg her to reconsider. You sounded like you thought she was playing hard to get. You said if you were more loving, she would buy into the idea of a relationship with you.
If I know anything about relationships, it is that the best kinds are organic. Things flow naturally in organic relationships. There is no need to force things or expend unnecessary energy. The beauty of love is in reciprocity. Why do you want to hang on to someone who doesn’t place as much premium on you as you do her? One thing I have learned about life is that when people show you who they are, it is wisdom to believe them.
Even before Sarah told you she wanted to be just friends, you were the one doing all the work to get things going. What sort of relationship would you have had? She never called unless you did. You went out of your way to get her a birthday gift and all you got was an ‘HBD’ on Facebook. She couldn’t even be bothered to write it out in full. Come on Andy!
It may not have mattered to you, but eventually, it would have. You are an amazing guy and you deserve a girl who will not only love you but who will love loving you. Accept that this relationship with Sarah isn’t going to be and move on with your beautiful life.
Finally, you told me you never want to feel this way again and you were ‘done’ with love. Remember the story you shared with me about falling off your bike the first time you tried to ride at 13? Who is the cycling pro now? To become the good rider that you are now, you had to get back on the bike. That’s what you need to do in this case.
I know it is hard to believe this right now but you are going to find someone who will accept and reciprocate the love you have to give. Open yourself up to the idea of loving again. Love is a beautiful thing. It is God’s idea. The fears you have right now are absolutely normal but don’t let them keep you down. Let them propel you to continue to prepare yourself for that special girl who will be totally deserving of you. And when you do find her, make your intentions known to her from the very start. Don’t assume things. Assumption is the lowest level of knowledge.
I have no doubt that you will be fine Andy. Never forget that I am here anytime you want to talk.
Take care.
P.S: I have attached the link to Amanda Marshall's song 'I Will Be Okay' to this post for you.
*Names in this article have been changed for privacy purposes.
*Picture Credit: www.desicomments.com
Dear Andy, I understand your pain. Trust me, I've been there ...I dare say more than once. Truth is, it hurts. In fact, you can literally feel your chest hurt but hey, life's gotta go on. Remember, there can never be perfection without practice. So I advice you dust yourself up, love and believe in yourself now more than ever. Tell yourself she doesn't deserve you and prepare yourself for the one who does. I'm pretty sure you'd rather a beautiful relationship than a forced one too. Let things... Love inclusive, happen naturally. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteYour last sentence is the whole gospel: 'let things...love inclusive, happen naturally". Thanks girl!
DeleteDear Andy, big be cry!
ReplyDeleteThat's right. Crying is normal. It's okay to cry
DeleteCry all you want Andy. We've all been there. It's more devastating than bad health to love someone who doesn't love you back. I like the song attached but to your situation I'd say these lyrics of Pink, "...we are not broken, just bent and we can learn to love again". So cry till you can learn to love again.
ReplyDelete