So You Think You Can Change Him?

 I ran into a friend recently and she joyously gushed to me about her upcoming wedding. To say that her happiness was contagious is to say the least. Yours truly quickly dragged her to the nearest fast food restaurant so I could get the full load down of the wedding things...lol.  There, she produced her wedding invitation card (classy stuff I must say) and upon further gist, she disclosed that even though she was madly in love with her fiancée, one little thing bothered her: he is catholic; she worships with Mountain of Fire Ministries. 

This little info may not have necessarily meant so much in the grand scheme of things if I were hearing that from someone else. You see, my dear amiga is a staunch member of her church- as in S-T-A-U-N-C-H! When I asked her why she accepted to marry him in spite of their obvious evangelistic differences, she launched into the classic, ‘you-can’t-help-who-you-love’ tale.  Amongst the many things she said to justify her decision to marry her fiancée, she stated that she ‘strongly’ believed she had been brought into her man’s life to ‘help’ him. She believed that she could change him and convert him to become a full member of her church. In fact she already had a 5-step plan of how to accomplish that.

When I heard that, I pinched myself (to be sure I wasn’t dreaming) and it didn’t hurt one bit. I couldn’t believe that my gorgeous, smart friend was treading the same self-delusional path so many have trod in the past- the path that makes us think we can actually change somebody. Really?  

For starters, how preposterous to think that you can establish a healthy bond (albeit a marital one) with someone on the basis of a hidden agenda! Try to put yourself on this other person’s shoe for a second. Doesn’t it strike you as unfair (and even dishonest) to deceive someone else like this. Smh. How ecstatic would we actually be to learn that the people we are supposedly in love with have kept aside strategies to ‘recreate’ us to suit whatever image they have? I dare to say that none of us will exactly be over the moon to know that. What then gives us the leeway to do that to someone else?

For the records, you cannot change anybody. Call me a pessimist or whatever you choose, I stand by this statement. Just as you can’t bank on money that is not at hand, you can’t count on that man (or that woman) changing.  Yea, yea, I know love believes all things, but nne (and nna), let’s face it: You. Cannot. Freaking. Change. Nobody. Only God can.

So before you buy into the ‘I can change him (or her) grand illusion, be sure you can deal with the s**t if s/he doesn’t change (or at least if they don’t change as quickly as you would like them to). 

The moral of my story?  I strongly believe that when there is spiritual, religious or social incompatibility (or incompatibility in other key areas), the wisest thing to do is to share goodness in fellowship. Get out of the relationship! Is this harsh? Maybe. But trust me, in the long run; you will be the better for it.

The truth is, if you can’t accept people the way they are, leave them alone! Don’t turn people into projects to handle. You will only experience unnecessary pain and frustration. Even more importantly, you will drive yourself and your loved one crazy trying to change the unchangeable.

XoXo

Nawtiprof